A month plus into my internship, it is evident that it is doing what it is supposed to doing to me. I am forced to re-examine the state of my life and the direction of my future. It is making me more thoughtful and pensive while pushing me to be more willing to take a daring step here and there.

So let's see what has happened so far:

1) My parents and sister support my decision to go on an AIESEC Exchange to Uganda.
2) I now have two best friends. One more than I thought I would have.
3) I'm booked for dinner for the next few days. Which is totally unexpected since I thought I'd be spending time at home all week long.
4) I have been working on my internship (with little success) and also as Member Committee Vice President of Alumni Engagement for AIESEC in Malaysia. It's really weird straddling both a day job and a part-time job at the same time.
5) I don't know what I will be doing after I graduate because everything is so confusing right now. Possibilities are endless and yet so maddening to have to choose.
6) Still no girlfriend in sight. The time will come?

Okay, maybe not so much a total examination but some things I've been pondering about.

Life's good. At least I am thinking about what's next.

Till another post, later days.

We 'click'.

There aren't too many people in this world that you can 'click' with. Once you find such people, you don't just let them go.

You just don't.

Till another post, later days.

Why did you choose GZ and not him? Why GZ at all?

Not exactly something you would ever want to hear about yourself. Having people wonder why you are chosen instead of other better liked people. If the world is truly run based on popularity votes, I will lose hands down.

I guess I am beginning to realise that I am always the second, third or even the last choice that I cannot imagine myself being someone's first choice. That is, first choice for anything. As a confidant, helper or even companion.

And that just renders me incapable of doing anything but wish I am the first choice. For now, always on the outside looking in eh?

Till another post, later days.

I know it may not be something you can think about or even relate but is it too hard to have people excited about the fact that I am planning to go to Africa?

Something a little bit more understanding than just ,"Oh hmmmm, right okay" or "It doesn't really matter which country really, Uganda or Kenya. Both sound the same to me".

Hello, I am potentially going off to the other side of the world alone and all you can say is "Hmmm, yeah"?

Thankyouverymuch for your concern. Really. Thank you.

Till another post, later days.

In an interesting turn of events, someone actually said a variation of this to me,

“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”

-Winnie the Pooh (surprisingly enough)

Awwwwwwww.

Did not expect it at all.

Till another post, later days.

I really need a journal.

Or a worse memory.

Because remembering all the anger and pain is not helping.

I need to forget the bad stuff.

Till another post, later days.

Late as it is, with pop music blaring in the background and a multitude of knick-knacks strewn in front of me, there is that expectation of me to soldier on and continue my revision during this ungodly hour. I have been going through my notes ineffectively for the past four hours and I just might be at the point of indifference. Or perhaps it is just the ache on my arms from the lack of sleep that is bothering me. Perhaps it is both.

Across the table, I see an invitation being offered to someone and not me. I cannot help but feel the same old pain resurfacing despite my many attempts to hide it. Why him and not me? I have tried and worked at being ‘part of the gang’ and yet, you insist on excluding me. I am glad when I gain a modicum of acceptance but that is just how saddening that really is. Jumping at the slightest hint of salvation from the isolation like a newborn puppy or a neglected stepchild.

As the days pass by, I see myself being the outsider more often than not. No, this is not a cry for help from teenager seeking attention. It is merely an affirmation of my situation. A description of my inability to be one of the people. Just someone on the outside looking in. Does inclusion feel warm, like the blanket at 8 am in the morning and you have nowhere else to go for the rest of the day? Is it inviting like the grass to your toes after a shower? I really want to know.

There is also the possibility that I protest too much. Maybe I am accepted and am in someone’s inner circle.

I highly doubt that though. The ones I have chosen to stand by keep me utterly confused of my place in a position of utmost trust. I yearn for just that. To be told something that only I would know. Because I am that person to trust.

For now though, I do not know if it will ever happen.

Till another post, later days.